Get Mommed!

Even if you already have the most wonderful Mom in the world, who can't use some extra mothering?  Get yourself a cyber-Mom to tide you over the cold and flu season, courtesy of Kleenex.

You get your choice of several moms, including a Southern Mom, Hispanic Mom, Countercultural Mom, Prim and Proper Mom, African-American Mom, Jewish Mom, Asian Mom.  (That's in order, from left to right.) You can "interview" each of them. Or you can take a quiz and let the website recommend a Mom based upon your answers.

You can check items on a list you'd like your cyber-Mom to do for you, such as wake you up on a given morning or mornings (or after your nap in the afternoon), telepone you at bedtime and tell you a bedtime story, send you an e-mail about this morning's weather conditions, give you daily advice, etc. 

It's fun!  If you adopt one of these extra Moms, let me know which one, and then I'll tell you whether we are cyber-siblings!

More Favorite, Fun Songs (With Plenty of Nostalgia Thrown In)

The Hippopotamus Song



A bold hippopotamus was standing one day
On the banks of the cool Shalimar.
He gazed at the bottom as he peacefully lay
By the light of the evening star.
Away on the hilltop sat combing her hair
His fair hippopotami maid.
The hippopotamus was no ignoramus
And sang her this sweet serenade:

Mud, mud, glorious mud!
Nothing quite like it for cooling the blood.
So follow me, follow, down to the hollow,
And there let us wallow in glorious mud!

The fair hippopotama he aimed to entice
From her seat on that hilltop above,
As she hadn't got a ma to give her advice,
Came tiptoeing down to her love.
Like thunder the forest re-echoed the sound
Of the song that they sang as they met.
His inamorata adjusted her garter
And lifted her voice in duet:

Mud, mud, glorious mud!
Nothing quite like it for cooling the blood.
So follow me, follow, down to the hollow,
And there let us wallow in glorious mud!

Now more hippopotami began to convene
On the banks of that river so wide.
I wonder now what am I to say of the scene
That ensued by the Shalimar side?
They dived all at once with an ear-splitting splash
Then rose to the surface again,
A regular army of hippopotami
All singing this haunting refrain:

Mud, mud, glorious mud!
Nothing quite like it for cooling the blood.
So follow me, follow, down to the hollow,
And there let us wallow in glorious mud!


The Gnu Song



A year ago last Thursday, I was strolling in the zoo
When I met a man who thought he knew the lot.
He was laying down the law about the habits of baboons
And the number of quills a porcupine has got.
So I asked him 'What's that creature there?' and he answered 'It's a helk!'
And I'd have gone on thinking that was true
If the animal in question hadn't put that chap to shame,
And remarked, 'I hain't a helk; I'm a g-nu!
I'm a g-nu, I'm a g-nu,
The g-nicest work of g-nature in the zoo
I'm a gnu. How do you do?
You really oughta k-know w-who's w-who.
I'm a gnu, spelt G - N – U.
I'm g-not a camel or a kangaroo.
So let me introduce, I'm g-neither man nor moose
Oh, g-no, g-no, g-no, I'm a gnu!'

I had taken furnished lodgings down at Rustington-on-sea
Whence I travelled on to Ashton-under-lyne, it was, actually,
On the second night I stayed there I was wakened from a dream
Which I'll tell you all about some other time.
Among the hunting trophies on the wall above my bed,
Stuffed and mounted, was a face I thought I knew.
A bison? An okapi? Could it be a hartebeest?
Then I seemed to hear a voice: 'I'm a gnu!
I'm a gnu, a-g-nother gnu
I wish I could g-nash my teeth at you
I'm a gnu. How do you do?
You really oughta k-know w-who's w-who
I'm a gnu, spelt G - N – U.
Call me bison or okapi and I'll sue!
G-nor am I in the least like that dreadful hartebeest.
Oh, g-no, g-no, g-no, I'm a gnu!
G-no, g-no, g-no, I'm a gnu!
G-no, g-no, g-no, I'm a gnu!'


The Reluctant Cannibal

(Sorry, no lyrics for this...)

The Reluctant Cannibal - Flanders And Swann

Favorite Children's Songs

When I first met Demetrios, he had a wonderful tape of children's songs he had bought in England. We loved listening to it, but one day he lent it to somebody and never got it back again.

It's been more than 20 years now that I've keenly regretted the loss of that tape, and of three songs on it in particular. I LOVE them! It's unfortunate I first encountered them when my own children were grown, but yesterday I actually FOUND THEM - so thrilling! - and I hope you and your children will love them, too, if you don't already. Please, please, take a few minutes to listen.

(Forget the lousy visuals, just listen.)


"The Adventures of Robin Hood" Themesong



Chorus
Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the glen.
Robin Hood, Robin Hood, with his band of men,
Feared by the bad, loved by the good,
Robin Hood, Robin Hood, Robin Hood!

He called the greatest archers to a tavern on the green.
They vowed to help the people of the king.
They handled all the troubles on the English country scene
And still found plenty of time to sing:

Chorus

He came to Sherwood Forest with a feather in his cap,
A fighter never looking for a fight.
His bow was always ready, and he kept his arrows sharp.
He used them to fight for what was right.

Chorus


Morningtown Ride



Train whistle blowin', makes a sleepy noise.
Underneath their blankets go all the girls and boys,
Rockin', rollin', ridin', out along the bay,
All bound for Morningtown, many miles away.

Driver at the engine, Fireman rings the bell,
Sandman swings the lantern to show that all is well,
Rockin', rollin', ridin', out along the bay,
All bound for Morningtown, many miles away.

Maybe it is raining where our train will ride.
All the little travellers are warm and snug inside,
Rockin', rollin', ridin', out along the bay,
All bound for Morningtown, many miles away.

Somewhere there is sunshine, somewhere there is day,
Somewhere there is Morningtown, many miles away.
Rockin', rollin', ridin', out along the bay,
All bound for Morningtown, many miles away.

Rockin', rollin', ridin', out along the bay,
All bound for Morningtown, many miles away.


Nellie the Elephant



To Bombay
A travelling circus came.
They brought an intelligent elephant
and Nellie was her name.

One dark night,
she slipped her iron chain
And off she ran to Hindustan
And was never seen again.

Nellie the Elephant packed her trunk
and said goodbye to the circus;
off she went with a trumpety-trump,
trump, trump, trump.

Nellie the Elephant packed her trunk
and trundled back to the jungle;
off she went with a trumpety-trump,
trump, trump, trump.

Night by night,
she danced to the circus band.
When Nellie was leading the big parade.
she looked so proud and grand!

No more tricks
for Nellie to perform,
They taught her how to take a bow
and she took the crowd by storm.

Nellie the Elephant packed her trunk
and said goodbye to the circus;
off she went with a trumpety-trump,
trump, trump, trump.

Nellie the Elephant packed her trunk
and trundled back to the jungle;
off she went with a trumpety-trump,
trump, trump, trump.

The head of the herd was calling,
far far away.
They met one night in the silver light
on the road to Mandalay.

Nellie the Elephant packed her trunk
and said goodbye to the circus;
off she went with a trumpety-trump,
trump, trump, trump.

Now What?

Today I was at an Area Rehabbers Klub fundraising event, where I had ample time to chat with one of my fellow wildlife rehabilitators. She told me this story.

She used to be the administrator of four nursing homes, she told me, two in Virginia and two in North Carolina. One day, she had traveled to one of the nursing homes in North Carolina and had gone out to eat afterwards with some of the nurses. In the restaurant, she noticed a nondescript man sitting in the back of the room. No big deal. Next day, she drove to one of the other nursing homes, in a different town, again ate out with some of the nurses, and again noticed the same man in that restaurant. Okay, so that could, just possibly, be coincidence. But when it happened the third night in the third town, she knew she was being followed.

She didn't have anything to hide, so there was no worry on that score. She did not feel she was in any danger, because she had a pretty good idea who had hired this spy and what the mean-spirited reason for it was. So she sat down for a while to think. I'll tell you later about the clever plan she hatched, but meanwhile, do tell us, what would YOU have done?

The Lord's Prayer

Enjoy!

Who in the World is This?

If you think this looks exactly like my brother, Mike, I'd have to agree with you! I've stared and stared at it, and still can't get over the fact that this is not Mike at all.

Do you know who he is?

(This time, the picture won't enlarge if you click on it. I did that on purpose, because, blown up, it no longer resembles my brother...)

Still More Antique Photos

Click any picture you wish to enlarge.


. . . . . . . . . . For Punky, Two Views of Train


. . . . . . . . . . Chautauqua Entertainers Out West

. . . . . . . . . . What's She Doing??

More Antique Photos

As always, click on any image you wish to enlarge.

No idea who this is, but it's my stereotype of a mobster...


This label says "Chautauqua Utah", confirming my impression that my grandfather had gone out West.


Across the desert by automobile


Hotel with automobiles. It looks to me as if it must be in some biggish city.


Not sure who these are, either, but the woman on our right looks very much like my children's paternal grandmother. Matter of fact, the man in uniform looks a lot like their paternal grandfather, too!

Antique Photos

In his youth, my maternal grandfather, Clarence Hafford, joined the Chautauqua Circuit as an accordion player. It was a traveling group, offering lectures, concerts, plays, singing, dancing, and other entertainment, a bit like Vaudeville, I take it, perhaps ratcheted up one or two cultural notches (or not).

(Wendy, if you read this, why don't you tell us The Rest of the Story about that accordion?)

I don't know where my grandfather's particular circuit went, or exactly when these pictures were taken, but my best estimate is, within a year either side of 1920. I think they are charming and interesting, so I wanted to share them with you. I'll put a few more in another post.

You can click on any of these images to enlarge it.


Shopkeeper Opening Up







"Miss Clemmons" Grandpa told us this was the sister of Samuel Clemmons, aka Sam Clemens, aka Mark Twain. She gave lectures about her famous brother. I think it must be his daughter, though.


Grandpa in the foreground, Miss Clemmons hamming it up with other ladies of the Circuit.




Barbara and I once dubbed this picture, "Fords Fording the Ford."


Gamblers on Train. I believe the man looking at us on our left is my grandfather. To catch him cheating was half the fun when he played cards with us.

Lateral Thinking Test

This morning in church, in front of us, were three girls. Their mother, their one and only, actual, biological mother, was on one side of them and their father, their one and only, actual, biological father, was on the other side of them.

They do not look alike. They have different heights, complexions, and hair texture. They were all born at the same time, or at least within moments of each other, to be technical.

They are not triplets.

Why not?

(Tisho, unfair for you to comment here! We all remember your similar experience with Todd. Ditto Tisho's near relatives -- shhh!)

Cute Animal Pictures

Fortune Cookies

The trouble with Chinese fortune cookies is, they aren't really honest. I mean, they never tell you the stuff you really need to know, such as that tomorrow you are going to be fired.

My Internet friend, s-p, once told me he and his wife had a Chinese New Year party, and they doctored the fortune cookies they served there, much to the surprise of their guests.

Right, s-p! Give people information they can use!

Scam! A Puzzle for You

Some con artist tried to scam a Lutheran pastor in New Jersey out of his tickets to a concert. Fr. Anthony Iovine quotes the e-mail he received:

Dear Father Iovine,

I was searching the internet looking for people who have Billy Joel tickets and I came across your blog where you mentioned that you bought tickets for his July 18th concert at Shea Stadium. My girlfriend and I have tickets for the July 16th show, but we can’t make the concert because of a previously scheduled arrangement.

What I am proposing is swapping tickets. Our seats are in the upper deck down the right field line. You mentioned that your tickets are on the field. You can send your tickets to me at (address deleted by me). I will send my tickets to you when I receive yours.

Thank you very much.

The reason this grabbed my attention is twofold. First, I'm not sure I would have spotted that it is indeed a scam! Fr. Iovine would simply have lost his tickets and never received any in return. Second, I have a sort of personal vendetta against all con artists, stemming from when my then husband was totally taken in by one such crook, and we came very near to losing everything.

So when a dear friend from church came to me one day with the scheme that had been presented to her husband, which was severely tempting him, I put my all into unmasking the fraud. Trouble was, we could both see this program had to be a scam, but what puzzled us was to see just where the scam lay. Can you?

The deal went like this. It was billed as a Christian Ministry, helping Christian families by lending them money on extremely favorable terms. The first month, after your processing and entry fee of $300 was received, you would borrow $100. The interest was high, 10%, or $10, but never mind, because the next month you would get $200 and only owe 10% of the total outstanding balance, or $29. Every month after that the amount you would borrow would double, and you'd owe 10% of the total accumulated balance. Thus, on the following months you would receive and owe as follows:

Receive........Owe
400............57.10
800............114.29
1,600..........228.57
3,200..........457.14
6,400..........914.29
12,800........1,828.57

and so forth, until by the 15th month, you would borrow a million dollars in that month alone, and at the end of 2 years, you would have borrowed a cumulative total of over a 1.6 billion dollars, and would have paid back less than two hundred forty million of it.

In addition, from your interest payments, 1% was to be deducted, with which the ministry would buy a life insurance policy for you. That way, you wouldn't have to worry about your debt being inherited by your family; in the event of your death, the policy would pay it all off for you.

Obviously you would be on Easy Street forever, including when you figure in the tax implications. Except you could never get off this treadmill, but why would you want to?

So where's the fraud? How is anybody making any money off this, if you never pay off any principal, just interest? How are the providers of all this money getting any profit out of it? I even called the "ministry" and asked if I could get in not on the borrowing end of it, but as an investor, and I asked how that would work. The woman who spoke with me was totally confused by this question and after some hemming and hawing, said, "Well, we'd like you to be in the program for a while first and then we can consider your becoming an investor."

It took this thick head three days to figure out what ought to be obvious. Can you find it sooner? Scroll down if you need a hint.


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It's a variation of the same scam Fr. Iovine was smart enough to avoid.

Please Don't Remind me of my Troubles!

Today I am definitely not in the mood for anything serious like religion or theologizing. Playful is the thing for today! So here is my favorite optical illusion. I'm sure somebody can make some theological point using this to illustrate it, but that somebody will not be I!

Does it move for you? That's the illusion! It isn't really moving at all.

(You have to put your contacts in! And it won't move if you view it from across the room, so try different distances if you don't see the wheels rotating.)

UPDATE: The movement can be seen much better in large scale. If you click on the image, you will see a substantial enlargement.

Blossom the 'Possum

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For a little change. I wrote this story for a then eight-year-old named Joshua, my grandson too briefly in the legal sense, yet forever, in my heart.

This is the true story of Blossom the ‘Possum. When she grew big enough to leave her mother and go out into the world on her own, the first thing Blossom did was to look for food.

It was night. Opossums prefer to stay awake at night and sleep during the day. It was rainy, too.

Blossom walked around the neighborhood. She sniffed at a garbage can, but it was tightly shut, so she could not eat the garbage. She found a few worms and ate them. She wandered around some more, looking, looking. Then her nose picked up a delicious smell! She followed the smell. Somebody had left a plastic garbage bag in the screened porch, and it was full!

But how could Blossom the ‘Possum get into the porch? It was all screened, and the door was shut. Blossom’s stomach was growling. Oh, there MUST be some way to get at all that tasty garbage! She walked in a circle all the way around the porch. The she climbed up the steps. What do you think she found? A HOLE in the screen. All she had to do was make it a little bigger and she could get in.

Quickly, she used her claws to enlarge the hole. Then she walked right up to that plastic garbage bag and used her claws again to tear it open.

It had so many good things to eat in it, like asparagus and broccoli scraps, and bits of moussaka and other Greek food, that it took Blossom a long time to finish stuffing herself.

“Now,” she said to herself, “Where shall I sleep? It is almost morning, and I must find a safe, warm place to sleep.” She squeezed back out the hole in the screen and walked around some more, sniffing and scratching the house.

And that is when she found a door with a very tall crack under it! She poked her nose under the door. Would her whole head fit under it? Yes! So Blossom flattened her body, scrunched under the door, and opened her eyes to look around.

She was underneath the house. She was standing on dirt, and above her was the floor. She walked along a water pipe and explored the place.

What was that fluffy pink stuff stuck to the floor above Blossom’s head? She poked at it and then tore at it with her claws. She made a big hole in it. Standing up on her hind legs, she looked into the hole. It led to a nice snug place between the floor and the pink stuffing that was stapled to it. It was a perfect bed. It was warm and soft and protected from the rain outside. It was safe. She could hide here and no other animals would ever find her.

Blossom climbed in, curled up in a ball, and after giving her whiskers a good look, snuggled down into the pink fluff to go to sleep.

Blossom had found a home. Every night she would get up and play with her friends and look for something to eat. Every morning, she would happily climb into her soft bed and there she would sleep all day long.

One night, Grandma and Demetrios were sitting in their den watching television. Suddenly, they heard a noise. Wham! Thunk! Blam!

“What was that?” asked Grandma. “Is a burglar trying to break into our house?”

“Maybe it is a ghost!” said Demetrios, but he was only teasing.

“It’s somebody moving around!” said Grandma. “Somebody’s out there!”

They listened again. Scratch, scratch, scratch, BUMP!

Demetrios grabbed his flashlight. “Let’s go have a look!”

So out into the rain they went. They looked in the shed. They didn’t see anything except the lawnmower. They looked around in the bushes. Nothing was there. They opened a little door that leads under the house and shined the flashlight around. “Oopst!” shouted Demetrios. “I saw something!”

“What did you see?” asked Grandma.

“I saw a long, thick, hairless tail disappearing into the dark! It is some kind of animal.”

“It has to be an opossum,” said Grandma. “That’s the only animal around here that has a tail like that.”

Next day, Grandma called up a very nice man who came and looked around under the house. “Yup,” he said, “Y’all sure enough do have yourselves a ‘possum. Look here, where it’s been a-diggin’. It’s done tore down a whole lot of your insulation, too. I’ll set a trap for it. I’ll just put some dog food in this here cage, ‘cause ‘possums love dog food. When that ‘possum gets inside to eat the food, the door will snap shut and we’ll have him.”

Next morning, Grandma got up early to check the trap. The door of the trap was still open, and there was no opossum inside. That night, she checked again, but still, there was no opossum. Every day for two weeks, Grandma checked her trap, but there was never any opossum inside it.

“Them roofers probably drove it away,” said the Nice Man. “All that hammering for three days straight while they was putting up your new roof. That ‘possum probably said to hisself, ‘Dang! No way to get a good day’s sleep in this place no more!’ It probably done took off. We’ll just leave the trap there anyway, for a couple more days, to be sure.”

The next afternoon, Grandma checked the trap again. The door was closed! Inside the cage was a gray ball of fur. It was moving up and down, up and down, as the animal breathed.

“Oh!” yelled Grandma.

The animal inside the cage was Blossom. She had been trapped in that cage for almost a whole day, and she was not happy. Slowly, she stood up. She turned around to look at Grandma. She opened her eyes halfway. Then she opened them all the way. They were black and bright and shiny.

“Oh, you poor thing!” said Grandma. “Your nose is all sore from trying to push the door open. Your claw is all sore from trying to scratch your way out. I will get you some more food, and some water, too!” So she ran back to the house to get the food and water for Blossom.

Then she called the Nice Man.

Pretty soon he came in his truck. He looked at Blossom. “Well, well, ain’t you a pretty little girl! I declare. We got ourselves a swamp ‘possum!” He explained to Grandma. “A swamp ‘possum is gray,” he said. “Regular ones is white. Don’t you worry none about her, ma’am. I’m gonna take her to a place she will just love.”

So the Nice Man cleaned the bottom of the cage by wiping it over the grass. Then he loaded the cage and Blossom into the back of his truck.

They drove for a long time, over an hour. Then the man stopped the truck and got the cage out. He set it on the ground.

“Now, sweetie,” he said to Blossom, “This here’s just the place for you. There’s fields of corn goin’ to be a-growin’ soon, and all kinds of other good crops, too. Over yonder’s a garbage dump. The swamp here is gonna have some ‘possum friends for you. And you’ll be much happier sleeping in a tree than under some house where you don’t belong, in fiberglass insulation that has got to have been irritating to you.”

He opened the cage.

Blossom looked around. She saw water and lots of tall green trees. She saw plenty of places to play and to hide and to sleep. She could already smell good things to eat; all she had to do was go find them.

“YES!” said Blossom to herself. And out of the cage she walked. “Finally I have found my true home! Finally I know where I belong!”

Just then, another opossum appeared. “What is your name?” Blossom asked him.

“Opie,” he said. “What’s yours?”

“Blossom.”

“Blossom. Oh, what a beautiful name,” said Opie. “And you are very beautiful, too. Come on, let’s play! I’ll show you everything around here.”

So off they went, and the Nice Man says he is sure they will live happily ever after.

THE END

This is a true story. Well, except for the part about opossums talking.

More Christmas Pictures

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Just for fun!





My daughter, Erin, little Sydney, Mom





Sydney, with her father, Jeff.







Ryan, opening a gift




Connor with new golf club (That's his dad, my son Mark, filming in the background.) But will Connor know it isn't for hitting Ryan with?






Kelly finds a Slinky in her stocking

Happy New Year!

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This year, we had a toned-down celebration, but every bit as much fun as anything else we've done in recent years. We took Dickie and Frances, our next-door neighbors, to dinner at a restaurant, using the gift certificate they had given us for Christmas. We also invited our dear friend Vada, who will be 90 in June and looks and acts 20 years or so younger than that.

Afterward, we all adjourned to our house, where we sat telling stories for an hour.

Then, at 10:00 instead of midnight, we put on our party hats and blew our whistles and banged our noise-makers and hugged each other. "We've just added two hours to our new year," said Vada.

Then we sang "Auld Lang Syne". Then we went next door to take our pictures in front of Frances and Dickie's Christmas tree, fancier than almost any you'll ever see anywhere.



Dickie, Yours truly, Vada, Frances



Then we said goodnight and made an early evening of it.

Every one of us felt relieved not to have to wait up any later, and Vada got home well ahead of all the tipsy drivers.

Nothing to prepare, nothing to clean up, and a gift certificate to cover much of the cost. Now that's a great way to do it!

German you Didn't Think you Knew (A Quiz)

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Can you match the German expressions on the left with their English equivalents on the right? Yes, you can, if you sound it out!


1.) Das Hasardspiel........................___ X-rays

2.) Der Dudelsack..........................___ Hay fever

3.) Die Sternschnuppe....................___ Game of chance

4.) Die Tankstelle..........................___ Shooting star

5.) Die Röntgenstrahlen................___ Gas station

6.) Der Stecker.............................___ Electric plug

7.) Das Fingerspitzengefühl..........___ Sorcerer

8.) Der Panzerschrank..................___ go crazy

9.) Das Hufeisen...........................___ Old Glory

10.) Der Hexenmeister...................___ hangover

11.) Die Heuschnuppe....................___ suspenders

12.) überschnappen......................___ bagpipes

13.) Der Sockenhalter...................___ Brussels sprouts

14.) Der Tutnichtgut....................___ horseshoe

15.) Der Schnellimbiss..................___ goosebumps

16.) Die Steckdose........................___ sure instinct

17.) Der Katzenjammer................___ soap bubbles

18.) Der Rosenkohl......................___ snack

19.) Die Seifeblase.......................___ ne’er-do-well

20.) Das Sternenbanner..............___ electrical outlet

21.) Die Gänsehaut......................___ the safe